Why my “Hub-Bean”is a jerk…..

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The first pic was with lights off. The second pic is how they were. The third pic is what they are.

Oh…..now…… We’ve all called our spouse a jerk. Or more depending on how mad you are at him or her.

Don’t get your drawers in a wad. Hear me out.

Now, I love him, I really do. I love the way he manages to piss everywhere EXCEPT in the toilet.

I love how he leaves just a dribble of coffee in the pot for me.

I love how he “forgets” to replace the toilet paper AFTER he was the LAST one to use the bathroom.

I love how he casually STUFFS his clothes into his dresser after I took the time to fold them.

Or when he tries to talk during a movie,

Or better yet….when he MOVES my seat in MY van and never puts it back, I love all of it!

Because, he is my best friend,my lover,my confidante,my protector,the father of my children,the bread-winner and so much more.

 

What I truly despise, No!!! What I loathe and do not find funny is my “Hub-Bean’s” sense of humor.

The jokes are great, the farting in public I over look. Laughing when the ketchup bottle makes a noise,I can ignore. It’s the practical jokes that really get under my skin, and he is SO good at them!!

And he got me today.

Mr.Hub-Bean came home from work to a wonderful,amazing,mouth watering aroma.

He was all excited to have such a fantastic dinner. He excused himself to shower and change before we sat down to eat.

No biggie, this happens every day.

I’ve spent all day making a Apple Bourbon spice rubbed Roast step by agonizing step.With Yukon Gold mashed potatoes,Gravy,Brown sugar glazed baby carrots,and light,flakey homemade buttery buttermilk biscuits.

Yum! Right? Oh indeed it was.

Well, after dinner I felt a headache starting so I went into our master bathroom,reached into the medicine cabinet (without turning on the light–Why? I know where I put my stuff!) and THOUGHT I grabbed the Ibuprofen. I mean, it was right where I put it,in the SAME spot EVERYTIME. Every SINGLE time.

Apparently Mr Genius thought it would be cute to move the ibuprofen out of its usual spot and replace it with a bottle that looks ALMOST identical to it. Really, they look damn near IDENTICAL.

It never crossed my mind to look at the bottle,I popped it open grabbed 4 and tossed them in my mouth,grabbed the glass and washed them down.

I walked out of the bathroom and proceeded to clean the kitchen. Just as I turned on the dishwasher it dawned on me…

“GO BACK AND LOOK AT THE BOTTLE”

So I did. And I am totally pissed. So pissed I can’t speak!!! So angry I want to dump all my NAIR in his body wash bottle!!!!

Then I remember something….. I remember a very important detail that I absent mindedly FORGOT to mention over dinner.

I forgot to mention to him that I picked up my prescription for my sleeping medication.

Now the giggles start, then I’m in a fit of chuckles which in turn became the biggest fit of laughter I’ve ever been in!!!

Tears are streaming down my face,I’m doubled over,hanging onto the counter when Hub-Bean runs in with a look of concern which suddenly turned into confusion.

About 10 minutes passed before I could regain my composure……

Once I did, I had to change out of my pee drenched yoga pants…because YEAH…. It is that funny to me.

I turned and looked at him with a crooked smile,tear stained cheeks and asked him”Did you move my pill bottles?”

He started to nervously laugh and answered “YEAH…..Why?”

And that’s when I gave him that teeny tiny bit of information I forgot to divulge during dinner, only I said:

“Well, I’m glad you thought it was funny to put STOOL SOFTNER in place of my Ibuprofen because I’ll be taking my sleeping meds tonight,So you better hope I don’t shit the bed!!!!”

I collapsed into a crumpled pile of laughter as I watched him storm out of our bathroom… He hasn’t spoken to me since. Every time we make eye contact I quickly throw out a “snore and a fart” face at him.

I think he hates me right now….GOOD I hope he sleeps with one nostril open tonight!!!!

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