From the brim of my cup…..



Technology is great for sharing parts of our lives, keeping in touch with people,voicing our opinions,friendly debates,celebrating mile stones,holidays,birthdays,what ever it may be, and that’s great.

On the flip side to that coin,
I absolutely hate it.I despise it. I loathe it.

The internet,social media of any kind,has destroyed this up and coming generation of kids.
It has made them dumb.
It has made them naive.
It has made them disrespectful and lazy.

Lost are the days of intimate conversation.
Gone are the times of family gatherings.
Forward thinkers will soon be a thing of the past.
Women scream that they are objectified,yet we do it all day long with pictures that aren’t exactly “kid friendly”.

Kids think they rule the roost, can speak or treat people anyway they want because they saw it on “Facebook”.

Kids take pride in glorifying a filmed fight at a lunch time, rather than having lunch with a friend.
Chores and family time takes a backseat.
The miscommunication of emotions makes me want to puke!!
Girls and guys are “Catfishing” each other,but are only catching STD’s.
Being pregnant is the “coolest” thing on a social media platform.
Bullying has gone to a whole other level.
Cheating has become the “norm”.
And if you think “real” life peer pressure is bad.
Your an idiot.
It’s outrageous on social media.
To be so desperate to want and/or the need of young men and woman on here to be accepted,or liked,or to have something go viral or a emoji thrown their way is ridiculous.
Girls are bearing EVERYTHING. To everyone,not just to guys, to the world.
Guys are going after prizes they will never catch, it’s an addiction.
The more outlandish it is, the more “likes” it receives.
More breasts,thighs,penises,more dares,challenges,and step ups. It’s sickening.

And the harder we try to keep them from it, the more alluring it becomes.

Like a nickel hit to a crack head, it keeps them coming back. Again and again.
Kids are scaring their bodies.
Teens are more suicidal then ever.
Babies having babies and flaunting it.

It’s on the computer, the cell phone,the tablets, on the radio, now even your watch and glasses are “World Wide Webbed”.The damn schools use it.You can’t get away from it.

Kids soccer games are seen through a cell phone lens more than through your own eyes.
Memories are made by filters and Photoshop.

And people who’s lives that aren’t directly affected by something that has happened to a child,teen,or human being or animal on this planet,all say the same thing.
“It’s the parents fault”

Maybe it is,Maybe it isn’t.
Maybe kids today are just high-tech assholes.
Maybe the Tech-Sitter’s of today has caused parents to slack on their job of child-rearing.
All of that could be proven or disputed.
I do not care.
I just know that some of the shit people are dealing with today either,

A: never existed before….see cinnamon challenge.

B: Was delt with on the playground…Look up good old fashioned ass-whooping.

C: You got creative,wrote a letter,made a personal phone call,DROVE to a destination. Rode a bike to a friends house, Hell a 3-way call would have sufficed.

Girls and Boys are lured,baited,bribed with all kinds of shit for “Just one more pic”

All I know is that I love to hate it, and hate loving it so much. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t all bad. It’s just not all that great either. It’s both helpful and useless at the same time.

My heart aches for families or people who have been affected by some ridiculous,hateful,hurtful,heinous,heart breaking,tear jerking issue’s that you’ve been involved in. Whether voluntary or involuntarily.

I wish in some small ways a mailed letter meant more than just a “K” in a text message anymore.

I guess as a parent, that’s my fault to…..

A view from the brim of my cup…

The Bitter Brew of a Java Mama

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Awareness Issues

This irks me….and this is why people will want to chop my head off. In speaking with my best friend this morning we were on the topic of awareness. “Awareness for ______ and Awareness for _________ fill in the blanks with whatever you choose.

And she got me to thinking..So I started doing some digging and reading..
Do you KNOW that EACH ribbon of awareness has 3 or MORE “awareness issues” attached to them?
Do you KNOW that just BLUE alone has close to 23 “awareness issues” attached to it??

April Awareness

Animal Abuse – Purple Ribbon
Asperger Syndrome – Puzzle Ribbon
Autism – Puzzle Ribbon
Cesarean Section – Burgundy Ribbon
Child Abuse Prevention/Awareness – Dark Blue Ribbon
Cushing Syndrome – Light Blue Ribbon
Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE) – Red Ribbon
Driving Under The Influence – Red Ribbon
Environment – Green Ribbon
Head and Neck Cancer – Red and White Ribbon
Human Papilloma Virus – Light Green Ribbon
Irritable Bowel Syndrome – Periwinkle Ribbon
Living Organ Donation –Green Ribbon
Mother’s Against Drunken Drivers (MADD) – Red Ribbon
Oral Cancer – Red and White Ribbon
Oral Human Papillona Virus (HPV) – Light Green Ribbon
Organ Donation – Green Ribbon
Organ Transplant – Green Ribbon
Parkinson’s Disease – Silver Ribbon
Post traumatic Stress Disorder – Teal Ribbon
Rape – Teal Ribbon
Sarcoidosis – Purple Ribbon
Sexual Assault – Teal Ribbon or Purple & Teal Ribbon
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD) – Light Green Ribbon
Sjogren’s Syndrome – Purple Ribbon
Substance Abuse – Red Ribbon and Teal Ribbon
Testicular Cancer – Purple Ribbon
Tissue Donation – Green Ribbon

Courtesy of:

Here is my problem……

The ribbons have lost their zest. Their appeal is nothing more than blight. It just a ribbon. Nothing more,nothing less.
Unless you,a family member,close friend,your child or spouse has been directly affected by a disease,cancer,syndrome,mental or physical impairment. You truly do not know the real meaning behind this ribbons.

Instead of labeling a month with a specific awareness issue and attaching a specific color to it,think about this for just one minute….

Shouldn’t every day be awareness day?

Shouldn’t we just care every day of our lives about important issues instead of who is upgrading their phones to Galaxy Mega Plus 188K??
When did we only care 11 out of 12 months?
What are we doing for the other 11?? Just carrying on until a color peeks our interest? A diagnosis stuns the family? A suicide of someone from bullying or the death/overdose by someone using drugs hits to close to home?
When did only 30 days only seem to make an illness or disability or a trauma visible??

All lives matter every day.
All lives matter.

Black lives don’t get to matter only when someone is shot and killed.
Police lives don’t get to matter only when one is gunned down in the line of duty.
Autistic children don’t get to matter only because it is April.
Abused children don’t get to matter because the family,friend,parent,babysitter,neighbor,stranger,system or state has failed them and has caused their death,disability or injury just because it is April.

The memory of a loved one who died from a cancer does not get to exist because a Month has a color and label attached to it.

Every Life Matters in Every Way Every Single Day.

But the outcry is “But it brings awareness!”
To who? Maybe the only people who don’t know about a colored ribbon and it’s awareness might be a Tibetan Monk in the mountains of China or a Amazonian Tribe that lives in the deepest darkest part of the Rain Forrest.
Trust me, little Bobby down the street and the crazy cat lady on the corner and even the homeless drug addict shooting dope behind 7-11 knows that ribbons and colors have meanings.

Why not instead make everyday of the week matter.
Monday – Men’s Health (all issues)

Tuesday – Toddler and Teens (all issues)

Wednesday – Women’s Health (all issues)

Thursday –  The Lost Souls (Addicts,Mental Health,Suicide,Vets with PTSD,Domestic Violence,Abuse victims)

Friday-Freedom from Fear of being made fun of,being called names,having racial slurs thrown at you,for being verbally beat up because of your religion,race,sexuality,for decisions regarding your body,being fat shamed,
Just to be free to be who you are.

Saturday – Stand up for kindness,Goodness,for the human race. Be kind to one another,open a door for a stranger,pay a cup of coffee forward,forgive someone,get the kitty from the tree,help the elderly cross the road.Donate food,clothing,your TIME. Be what is right with this world, Not what already is wrong with it.

Sunday-Speak up about abuse,about addiction,about autism,about domestic violence,about P.T.S.D.,about homeless veterans,about criminal activity in your neighborhood,in your town,in your family.About everything that harms,hurts or takes a life.

Not about YOUR personal,religious,political,racial,sexual,beliefs.

Someone being Catholic does not harm me.Someone being an Atheist does not harm me.

Whether you’re a republican or a democrat,a tea-party member or whatever you are politically does not harm me.

My point is, What people say does not matter. It’s what people do that counts.

Whether you choose to believe it or not, it is your problem.

How will you feel one day when it’s your child,spouse,Mom or Dad or even yourself?.
Won’t you want people to care then?
So why not care now?
Every disease,syndrome,mental or physical impairment should be made aware of everyday. Not just by a ribbon,not just by a color.
I am sure this will piss a lot of people off, Hell, I might lose some friends either here or in real life. I understand that. But, if your only concerned about something for 30 days because there is a cheery color and pretty ribbon attached to it,I think I see the issues a lot more clearly than you do.



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Marshmallows and Misunderstandings

So much emotion in so few words!

The Lithium Chronicles

If my mind
should ever
eat all of me,
please remember
the girl
I tried to be.

© Nicole Lyons 2017

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No Lives Matter

Black lives don’t matter.Blue lives don’t matter.White lives don’t matter. There isn’t a single race on this planet that matter anymore.

No one’s life matters anymore. No one’s.

All these slogans,hashtags,Facebook posts,Instagram posts are all for public Fame.For notoriety. We can all chant them. But they mean absolutely nothing. Wearing “BlackLivesMatter”on a T shirt is no different than wearing a rebel flag as your bikini. It’s not any different than the Yankee’s ball cap on your head. You wasted 20.00 for something that will end up in a donation box to the Goodwill after the “fad” is replaced with something else.

The thought of wearing a shirt that says “AllLivesMatter” is just dumbfounding.

When did we,the human race need to wear a shirt stating what we’ve been taught for hundreds of years? When did we,the human race stop caring for one another? That is the real question.

When did it matter if my neighbor has a gun in his house or on his person as long as he is a law abiding citizen? When did it become a concern that teenage boys hung a Confederate Flag on their bedroom wall? Why is being heterosexual more important than being gay or lesbian? When did lying become the “Norm” and honesty become a abomination? None of this should matter. But yet, it does.

Because someone is always getting richer and someone else is always dying for a cause.

How about this,

How about the homeless,neglected,abandoned,abused, hungry children roaming the streets in your community,that you ignore on a daily basis- they matter.

The homeless vet that fought for his country only to be forgotten upon his return- they matter.

The drug addict who has slipped through the cracks and lays dying in a alley- they matter.


Every single beating heartbeat on this planet matters. The human race matters. Why is this so hard as a concept to grasp??




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Stabbing my own heart

It’s been a while since I have had any desire to write. I won’t lie, my life has been excruciating and void for a few months.

My therapist…… Yes, I see one….(A lot of you probably should to!)


Anyways……. she asked me about my self esteem. Yeah… She went there.


And what she said to me was this:


“For the last 15 months on a weekly basis I have listened to you, while you’ve slowly committed suicide. You’ve yet to see your “inner beauty and self” and you destroy yourself in such a way that even my heart hurts for you.”


She continued: “Who hurt you so bad that you feel the need to completely erase yourself in this world? Why do you hate yourself so much? I have met your husband,some of your children and they all love and adore you,I have heard how highly you speak of others and I have seen the lengths you will go for someone you care about,


But every time you have the opportunity to do something for yourself all you seek to do is stab yourself in your own heart.”


I must say that I was taken aback by her observation. I really was. And I had not a single retort,snide comment or even a sarcastic jab to throw out there. I was speechless.


I’ve spent the last few days mulling her words around inside my head. They echo so loudly that I can’t stand it.


And all I keep hearing myself say is “Your right,I hate myself.”


And I do.


Which is why I feel very vulnerable writing this. Its painful for me to put the context of my thoughts into words and place them on this screen. It’s killing me to admit just how much I hate,loathe and despise my existence.


Who hurt me?




I did it myself.


I spent years judging others,mentally competing against people who didn’t even know it. Shredding myself time and time again.


I have always known that I was never smart enough,pretty enough,quick enough,thin enough,fat enough(Because I am a extremist) I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t draw, I can’t act,I can’t debate.

(Oh but I can bitch).


Im not “Victoria Secret” beautiful,I knew I’d never be on a magazine cover of any kind, I’ve never won a “title”, No MVP or VIP,No ribbon or trophy.




I never did any of that.


I’ve never been good at something to where my parents were proud and had “bragging rights”.


I was more of a disappointment at everything.


So I turned to drugs/alcohol and became a junkie.


And man was I good at it.


Really good.


So good that I never saw just how well it robbed me.


But knowing I was a junkie meant there we no more expectations of me and I knew what everyone thought of me.


And I could live with that.


A loser. A thief. A liar. Scum. Dirty. Low-life. No good. Used goods. A waste. Shame. Embarrassment. Horrible.


That was me. All the way baby. I fit in somewhere.


I got married and had kids along the way. And I married a total loser. Because I was a total loser. Insanity at its best right there,let me tell you….


Then I watched as 2 of my own children died in my arms and both of my parents die in hospital beds months apart.


I watched my house get hit in a drug raid,an ex husband go off to prison,and everything I own disappear.


Then 11 years ago I made a promise to a 4 yr old little boy as he was being ripped out of my arms by a State Social Worker that “Mommy will bring you home,I promise!!.”


I stopped using drugs and alcohol and people. I stayed away from the very people,places and things that bred bad habits in my soul. I cut off those that had no morals,blurred intentions and hidden agendas.


I hid.


I went to rehab.


I got “painfully” honest.


And I got clean.


And then I really hated myself.


Now,I was alone. No family,No friends, No idea what the hell I was doing. And I was angry and scared.


I let my anger drive me, and it has.


I got my kids back.

Jumped through hoops so well I pissed my worker off.

I hit their level of expectations and smashed goals like “The Kool- Aid man”.


I gained a “Shit-ton” of weight.


( *Thats a real unit of measurement in my book.)


Ive had 6 heart attacks in 10 years and I have congestive heart failure along with Wolfe Parkinson’s-White syndrome.


I got mad when I found out I was dying and decided to get healthy. So Ive lost over 220 pounds and 118 inches over-all.

To me, its still not good enough.


I need to be skinnier, more toned,more muscles.


Ive tried starving myself,throwing up,water pills,laxatives,every pill,powder,crunch bar,wrap,detox drink mix,diet plan and work out regimen that there is and its never enough.

(*Remember I said I was an extremist)


I still see myself as this nasty,fat,sweaty slob of a hot mess.


And I can’t make it go away,not even with all the make up tutorials on YouTube.


I have PTSD and night terrors.

I have severe panic and anxiety issues.


I bought a house with a 20 year mortgage and paid it off in 10. Another instance of extreme.


Bought vehicles and did the same.


Upgraded everything in my life. Including a husband.

Had another baby.

Made new friends, lost new friends. Made enemies along the way.

Also solidified friendships.


And I still view myself as a failure from time to time.


I never feel as though I “deserve” anything good in my life. I never think I am “worthy” of anything.

I feel like my entire life is a punishment for a error in a previous life.


And I doubt that will ever completely go away.


I am mad at myself,driven by anger,enslaved by rage,dragged by disgust and embalmed in embarrassment.


My “inner” anger has made me numb.


It has made me empty inside.

I only allow people to get so close before I shut them down or out.

Even my own husband has a short leash with my love.

My own children were not allowed the luxury of complete love from me.


And there is nothing left in there for myself.


But I do try.


I let others teach me.

I try to be reasonable.

I try to be thoughtful of others.

I try to be logical.

To stay in the moment and remain humble.

I try to not “assume and pass judgment” upon others without knowing all the facts.

To love others as I want to be loved.

To trust.( and that is really hard.)

Maybe how I view myself will change one day. But like Rome, I didn’t destroy myself in one day.

Maybe one day when I look into a mirror or catch my reflection in a window I’ll won’t heave a heavy sigh, Hang my head down and allow a tear run down my cheek.

Maybe one day.


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Why my “Hub-Bean”is a jerk…..


The first pic was with lights off. The second pic is how they were. The third pic is what they are.

Oh……… We’ve all called our spouse a jerk. Or more depending on how mad you are at him or her.

Don’t get your drawers in a wad. Hear me out.

Now, I love him, I really do. I love the way he manages to piss everywhere EXCEPT in the toilet.

I love how he leaves just a dribble of coffee in the pot for me.

I love how he “forgets” to replace the toilet paper AFTER he was the LAST one to use the bathroom.

I love how he casually STUFFS his clothes into his dresser after I took the time to fold them.

Or when he tries to talk during a movie,

Or better yet….when he MOVES my seat in MY van and never puts it back, I love all of it!

Because, he is my best friend,my lover,my confidante,my protector,the father of my children,the bread-winner and so much more.


What I truly despise, No!!! What I loathe and do not find funny is my “Hub-Bean’s” sense of humor.

The jokes are great, the farting in public I over look. Laughing when the ketchup bottle makes a noise,I can ignore. It’s the practical jokes that really get under my skin, and he is SO good at them!!

And he got me today.

Mr.Hub-Bean came home from work to a wonderful,amazing,mouth watering aroma.

He was all excited to have such a fantastic dinner. He excused himself to shower and change before we sat down to eat.

No biggie, this happens every day.

I’ve spent all day making a Apple Bourbon spice rubbed Roast step by agonizing step.With Yukon Gold mashed potatoes,Gravy,Brown sugar glazed baby carrots,and light,flakey homemade buttery buttermilk biscuits.

Yum! Right? Oh indeed it was.

Well, after dinner I felt a headache starting so I went into our master bathroom,reached into the medicine cabinet (without turning on the light–Why? I know where I put my stuff!) and THOUGHT I grabbed the Ibuprofen. I mean, it was right where I put it,in the SAME spot EVERYTIME. Every SINGLE time.

Apparently Mr Genius thought it would be cute to move the ibuprofen out of its usual spot and replace it with a bottle that looks ALMOST identical to it. Really, they look damn near IDENTICAL.

It never crossed my mind to look at the bottle,I popped it open grabbed 4 and tossed them in my mouth,grabbed the glass and washed them down.

I walked out of the bathroom and proceeded to clean the kitchen. Just as I turned on the dishwasher it dawned on me…


So I did. And I am totally pissed. So pissed I can’t speak!!! So angry I want to dump all my NAIR in his body wash bottle!!!!

Then I remember something….. I remember a very important detail that I absent mindedly FORGOT to mention over dinner.

I forgot to mention to him that I picked up my prescription for my sleeping medication.

Now the giggles start, then I’m in a fit of chuckles which in turn became the biggest fit of laughter I’ve ever been in!!!

Tears are streaming down my face,I’m doubled over,hanging onto the counter when Hub-Bean runs in with a look of concern which suddenly turned into confusion.

About 10 minutes passed before I could regain my composure……

Once I did, I had to change out of my pee drenched yoga pants…because YEAH…. It is that funny to me.

I turned and looked at him with a crooked smile,tear stained cheeks and asked him”Did you move my pill bottles?”

He started to nervously laugh and answered “YEAH…..Why?”

And that’s when I gave him that teeny tiny bit of information I forgot to divulge during dinner, only I said:

“Well, I’m glad you thought it was funny to put STOOL SOFTNER in place of my Ibuprofen because I’ll be taking my sleeping meds tonight,So you better hope I don’t shit the bed!!!!”

I collapsed into a crumpled pile of laughter as I watched him storm out of our bathroom… He hasn’t spoken to me since. Every time we make eye contact I quickly throw out a “snore and a fart” face at him.

I think he hates me right now….GOOD I hope he sleeps with one nostril open tonight!!!!

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“That”time of the month….again.


P.M.S. = Psychotic Mood Shift

P.M.S. = Potential Murder Suspect

P.M.S. = Purchase More Shoes

P.M.S. = Punish Men Severly

  1. Shark Week
  2. Surfing the crimson wave (will never go out of style)
  3. Having your garage painted
  4. Joining the cast of Pad Men
  5. Baby is in the corner
  6. Birthing a blood diamond
  7. On Wednesdays we wear pink
  8. Paging Edward Cullen
  9. Parting the Red Sea
  10. Kelly Kapowski can’t make it to cheerleading practice
  11. The tomato soup is on the boil
  12. Red Wedding
  13. Red sails in the sunset
  14. Being dishonorably discharged from the Uterine Navy
  15. Riding the cotton pony
  16. Postponing your visit to Maury, aka, Not The Father Week
  17. Carrie at the prom
  18. Miss Scarlett has returned to Tara
  19. Rusty pipes
  20. Ordering clams with red sauce
  21. Smoking a lady cigar
  22. Massacre at the Y
  23. Arts and crafts week at Panty Camp
  24. The Great Flood Cometh
  25. Cleansing your palate

Call it what you want. It’s gross. It’s a royal pain in the ass. I despise it.

I’m moody,bordering on psychotic and liable to gouge your eye out if you so much as look at me wrong for eating directly out of the ice cream gallon prior to dinner.

My boob’s feel as though they are being dipped into a vat of boiling oil or Tarzan is swinging from them.

I am bloated, like worse than after Thanksgiving dinner and I just can’t fart it “away” and you want to tell me about your day???

Please do us both the favor of punching yourself in the throat before the fantasy I am playing in my head becomes your reality.

I want to exercise, I really do, but it’s exhausting just thinking about shoving blob after blob of bloated fat into yoga pants. It’s not going to happen. Not today,maybe not tomorrow.

Don’t get your hopes up for dinner either.

Everything, including the dog looks edible. Nothing is satisfying.

You know those White Castle hamburgers you had stashed in the freezer? Yeah….well, they were breakfast.

And the General Tao’s chicken you’ve been begging me to make? I made a huge batch of it for lunch so there would be leftovers for you. But I ate every dam piece. Every. Single. One.

And I am not sorry.

I really could care less about carbs or grams or sugars. All I care about is keeping my face filled so some dumb random bitch filled rant about how “you never do anything around here” and ” You don’t understand how it feels to bleed to death” spews out of my mouth.

Be happy that I at least flush the toilet and empty out the trash you ungrateful rats!!

I am tired. I am bored. I am starving. I’m going to puke from eating so much. Hug me, Get the Hell away from me, why won’t you talk to me? Please shut up, your voice is like nails on a chalk board.

I’m hungry(again). I have been watching episode after episode of The Walking Dead. A marathon of gore if you will, and I am content. They all look like how I feel. Dead. Inside and out.

My “Mom Hair” actually looks like a “Rats Nest”

My T Shirt has more stains on it than a rag in a auto garage.

I have the “Granny Bra” and matching panties to boot.

The eyeliner is so yesterday as well.

So today I think I’ll leave my trusty,handy,dandy yoga pants neatly folded in my dresser and I’ll proudly strut around in my 11 year old sweatpants that make you cringe every time you see them.

The words “sexy” or “hot” had better only be used to describe a classic automobile in my presence.

“Honey”,”Babygirl” and “Princess” are the only terms I will acknowledge, and it will be with a grunt or a growl, Can’t promise you which one.

So pass the remote,throw me a Carmel Snickers bar and you go play with our offspring before I “Off” you by burning a hole through your head with one of my soul piercing death stares.


Your Wreck…….err….Wife…..



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Toddlers,Twister and Dog Turds….



I swear to all of you, I cannot make this stuff up.
This was my Cardio,Zumba,Weights,Core,and Meditations all in one today. I am just done.
No more adulting for me……

Ever play Twister with a toddler and dog turds??

I just did. Let me explain……Shall I continue?…..

I was sitting and relaxing when I caught whiff of an aroma….not just any aroma, THE aroma…

Toddler Turd.

I scoop up the “Toddler Bean” sniff her hiney and sure enough my gag reflex kicked in. Ewwwwww!!!

So…I grab all the much needed items,A Hazmat suit, clothes pin for the nose,diaper,192 wipes,butt cream, and toddler.
All the while,The “Supposed Future Beanery Security Pups” are running and lounging around.
I put the “Toddler Bean” on the living room floor and proceeded to change her “nuclear nugget”.
Unbeknownst to me, one of the pups took a handy dandy hefty $HIT right behind me.
I thought the “Toddler bean” had $hit again, so I checked and NO. So I started getting up off the floor and put my hand down as to help myself up, and where do I plant my hand??
In the handy dandy hefty pile of hot steamy dog $hit!!!!

Which made me frantically panic, throw my hand up, ( the one supporting my weight mind you) causing me to land shoulder first into that warm pile of $hit!!
While all of this is happening, My “Toddler Bean” jumped up and grabbed her full $hitty diaper spewing it’s contents all over the floor,to which the dogs snarfed it all down with a vengeance!!!
I ran over to stop them,covered in dog $hit mind you,and “Toddler Bean” reached over and grabbed a pile of STILL warm dog $hit and ran away with it.
I’m in tears. I’m done. I quit. I do not want to adult anymore today……..

Posted in Animals, Bitterness, Dogs, Kids, Life, Parenting, Toddlers, Uncategorized | Leave a comment